Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32
We’ve all stood on that crowded train or tube, with everyone packed like tight sardines, each of us trying to catch a breath and doing our best to ignore the people we are pressed against. In these experiences, what if we allowed that person next to us a little room to hold onto a hand rest, or proffered a smile? Those small acts of kindness might create a change not just to that moment but to our whole sense of the world around us. These moments rarely happen in such spaces, but as Maya Angelou says, “Hope and fear cannot occupy the same space. Invite one to stay.”
It’s often said that in our culture the smiling face may be a hint at naivety and lack of intelligence, but in this we don’t consider the loss of humanity. In the words of Samuel Coleridge, “Friendship is a sheltering tree.” If we were to take the sense of friendship beyond those within our own circle and look outside of our individuality to the stranger, maybe there is also a friend? Schopenhauer defines the gift of genius as the discarding of our own personality, in order to “remain pure knowing subject, the clear eye of the world.’’ In Zadie Smith’s essay ‘Windows on the Will: Anomalisa’ she writes that Schopenhaeur believed that our suffering is a result of us focusing on our individuality. If we saw this ‘will’ as part of us all and, in displaying compassion to each other, we would become part of shared consciousness. We see clearly and understand more now of this sense of shared consciousness within the natural world. The conversation through the mycelium network between trees for instance and the nutritional support that they provide even to a ‘foreign’ tree in trouble are not dictated by their desire for individuality. This kindness is all around us in nature. My daughter recently visited the zoo, and she watched captivated as one monkey carefully removed the fleas from another. Does this counter the old mantra ‘it’s a dog eat dog world’? .
Nature itself can seem cruel with the predator and the hunted, but there are many other aspects of nature that show cooperation, such as intertwining fungal networks. Maybe, like nature, we are dealing with differing degrees of sophistication in our understanding of how to behave, but as humans we have a choice. We can draw from what we might perceive the higher intelligence and basic joy we get from that essence of kindness, which is really a small act of everyday love. In so many ways our cultural norms are governed by a sense of efficiency and the need to make the most of each minute, whether through experiences (like those set out in the infamous ‘bucket list’), or through work and other tangible achievement that makes us feel accomplished in some way. This pressure is somewhat elevated by the telephones in our pockets, drawing us away from what we can see right in front of us. Whilst we have a twenty four hour ‘friend’ in our pocket, we cannot but not miss the news headlines full of increased anxiety and loneliness, in spite of the deep privilege we are afforded in the West.
The contemporary Indian folk artist Raghu Dixit’s new album Shakkar is based on a time when Dixit felt suicidal and “stripped of the desire to live.” The piece that begins this album is about a make-believe sugar fairy called Shakkarpan who he says, “walked him back to life.” The song of the fairy is about how she brings joy and smiles to people just “because.” Dixit grew out of the sadness back to embracing a childlike innocence. In this album, he wrote a series of songs about simple acts of kindness, for example, a song about the school girl that stole sugar to redistribute it to those who had never tasted sweetness.
Perhaps our loss of childhood innocence is further exacerbated by the way we form our relationships. This has changed so much, through such phenomena as dating apps, so many ways a bit like verifying your identity for a bank account to be assessed by some fairly cold criteria on what makes another person acceptable. We’ve all been part of those conversations at dinner or a party, in which we asked “so what is that you do.” This could simply be a way of understanding another’s interests, but it’s also fuelled with the potential of commodifying the worth of another. How easy it is to not really take the time to know this person, rather a bit like scrolling just pass onto the next.
There is, however, hope in the very essence of being reminded of kindness, trying to remove our prejudices, fears of the ‘other’ and being present in that moment of being kind. If one is still skeptical with what might be perceived as sentimentality, we can take heart in the words of psychiatrists like Dr Ishok of Cedar Sinai who says that kindness is beneficial to our brain both as a mood regulator but a management of conditions such as depression and anxiety. He says that the daily practice of kindness, “helps us feel better and helps those that receive them. We are building better selves and better communities at the same time.”
Sometimes urban living can take its toll on a person’s belief in kindness, in part as everyone is under so much pressure and the currency of time is such a precious commodity in a world built on busy-ness. Yesterday as I was considering kindness and its many facets, I was gifted a coffee for no reason other than a simple act of spontaneous generosity. As Alexander Pope says, “hope springs eternal in the human breast.” Kindness is a lot like lighting a fire, as it catches it grows and spreads both its light and warmth, a symbolic picture of what our small acts of kindness might be.
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Read about the many well-being benefits of wood-burning stoves and how they can inspire kindness